Wow. It's been a while since I've actually had the urge to write something heartfelt. Please don't think I've given up on you or this blog my dears. First things first, how are you? How is life treating you? If you've been following me from the very beginning, I'd like to say congratulations on making it halfway through the year. You are doing it. Day by day. I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. Keep going. Keep striving. Keep living. Don't give up. To all my new readers, I'd like to welcome you. I want you to consider this your safe haven. Leave comments, send me emails, rant, disagree with me, tell me about yourself, simply say hello. I love meeting new people and helping people reach their full potential. This is a judge free zone. Also a warning, I DO NOT under any circumstances promote self harm, suicide, self loathing, eating disorders, etc... I am simply here to be a light for those who have none and let you know you are not alone. Now that we've covered the basics, let's talk about something that's been bugging me lately.
A lot of people base their self worth off of how majority of people look at them. Using my life as an example, very recently I broke up with my boyfriend, found myself caught in a tug of war with my best friend, and seeking the companionship of a mother who wouldn't answer my phone calls. These three things should have been enough to spiral my emotions out of control (I've realized I was putting my self worth in the hands of others). You see, I used to feel that if I was alone, I'd have nothing. I began blaming myself for things that were beyond my control and apologizing relentlessly to people who had suddenly "given up" on me. My boyfriend (at the time) would be upset over something that happened at work, and at first sight of his attitude I would apologize, somehow believing that I was the reason for his indifference. I remember having a falling out with a few friends at the time and sending them multiple messages, and texts begging for forgiveness not even knowing what I had done wrong. I've left multiple voicemails and text messages on my mother's phone wondering why she wouldn't answer. I blamed myself of course. I was convinced that these people, my closet friends, my own mother couldn't stand to look at me. That I was a failure of multiple proportions. I told myself I wasn't good enough, and that I didn't deserve to be loved. It haunted me for days upon end, I couldn't sleep at night, and when I did sleep I tossed and turned endlessly. I questioned myself every day. Suddenly I realized that I've done all I could do. I had apologized for my transgressions (if any) and now I was torturing myself to get a reaction. I had put my selfworth into the hands of people who could careless about themselves. These people didn't love themselves. They couldn't even handle there own shortcomings properly, so why in the world was I suddenly a fan allowing them to determine my happiness? Wise words from my Aunt Sandra: "Listen to the voice to forgive. It puts you at ease. Forgiveness frees you. You may not forget the situation, but forgiveness liberates & teaches you. As for the other person, its not your responsibility to figure out what they may or may not accept. Forgiveness is powerful! !!" These people that I was holding dear to my heart had become toxic in my life. They could not liberate me from my depression, they could not make me look at my reflection and enjoy what I see, only I could do that. From the very moment I figured that out, I became a source of happiness for myself. I stopped trying to appease to others and did what made me happy. This was the best decision I've ever made. People can judge you and mentally abuse you until you have no more tears left to cry, but if you don't give them the key to your well being, then they cannot shake the foundation that you've worked so hard to build for yourself. Learn to love you for who you are, and not what society wants you to be. I promise you things will start to look a lot brighter. Your self worth is the first step in becoming who you want to be. My challenge for you is to look in the mirror at least once a day, at a time when you are without makeup, and your hair isn't done. Examine yourself, I mean really look at you. Pick at your flaws, critique everything you see. At the end of this self examination, I want you to look your reflection straight in the eye and say "You are not perfect, but I love you." It may seem silly at first, but you will begin to notice a sense a pride in who you are. Your attitude towards yourself will start to change. Just because you don't see a purpose in your life, doesn't mean you don't have one. Remember this as you go on throughout your day. I love you guys, and I am so proud of the continued effort you are putting into bettering yourselves. Keep up the good work.
xo, Lola' Belle
P.S. I am in a really great place mentally, and I've started working out everyday (Did you know working out helps release endorphins aka the happy horomone? Try it :p ) I've come to terms that I will never be perfect for anyone, and I only need to be perfect for me. Also, starting up an email account for you guys to write to me, (I LOVE HEARING FROM YOU!) For now if you want to get in touch, don't hesitate to email me on my personal email tyfbnc@gmail.com.
