Mirage Of A Lifetime

This one is for everyone who's trying to relate.
But when I make my escape, 

It will be too late.

You never offered no date.

You never did hold my hand.

It's like I wanna be your rock.

Give you something to grasp onto.

Pull you out the abyss like you did me.

But I can't find you.

You're not even reaching for me.

 I need you now more than ever.

I feel alone.
Its worse than ever.
I'm losing my sanity.
It's slipping away.
I'm losing my humanity.
Although, it varies by day.

I've given you what you wanted.

You told me to let it go.

I let it go,

In hopes of getting my heart back,

In hopes that you would fill the gap in my soul.

Maybe I'm soul less.

Does that make me the walking dead?

Does that mean I'm incapable of feeling anything remotely real?

Does that mean I'll never make it?

That in life I will always have to fake it?

I think I'm a sociopath,
Because I mimic every emotion that crosses my path.
The truth is I forgot how to be me.
The truth is I forgot what it feels to be free.
The truth is I just need a friend.
Someone that'll be here from start to end.
How can I save myself if I do not feel a thing?
How can I express empathy if I have never felt pain?
How can I throw away my life just to save your soul?
How can I live searching for a yes knowing it will always be a no?

How can the stars shine with the knowledge that one day they'll implode leaving a gaping hole in the sky?

Black holes.

No one knows.

But do people really care to know?

Do they know but expect us to wonder?

Black holes.

Stars without souls.

Kind of like me.

I relate.

I relate to something finally.

Something so beautiful but not understood by the masses.

Black holes, no one really knows. 

Do you just abandon all hope?
Do you still ask for someone to throw a rope?
Can you trust that the rope will do you solid?
That the person who throws it has no malice behind it?
Its like I'm in the abyss.
I want to climb out.
So many people,
They visit like I'm a caged animal in a zoo.
So aware of my plight.
But so unwilling to help.
So unaware of my struggle.
My longing to be free.
My need for freedom.
The hope for fresh air.
I'm a caged soul.

I'm a kid again.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Searching for someone to fill all the right spaces.

I am inseparable from my despair.

It is all I've ever known.

I can't be like the others. 

I can't pretend it does not exist.

That it didn't happen.

I won't pretend my heart doesn't speed up, 

 My breathing doesn't slow like back then.

I dream of a child's cry.

Beautiful brown eyes.

I see wisps of her long hair.

In my dreams you were always there.

I have the perfect life.

Then I wake up.

I wonder why its so unfair.

I wonder why no one cares.

I wonder why I've never offed myself.

I wonder why I've never accepted help.

I wonder why I've been dealt this hand.

I wonder who to blame.

What is the reason I'm insane?

What is the reason I am so unwanted?

What is the reason my life is so haunted?

How do I express myself,

Without burdening my problems on someone else?

How can I go on,

Knowing what I know?

Knowing that we only live to die.

Knowing that I went back for nothing.

Knowing that it was a lie.

False hope.

The tears I've choked on.

My life has exceeded expectations.

I slit my wrist.

No hesitation.

But I am always hesitating.

I'm always unsure of myself.

I'm always failing.

So close yet so far

Please help me hide my scars.
Hide them under the many tears I will never cry.
Hide them behind the fears in which nothing lies.
Hide them behind a smile that is always frowning.
Encouraging words that are always doubting.
Use them as makeup.
Wear them with false lashes.

Add a few hair extensions. 

You finally blend in.

Does it make you feel beautiful knowing you are such a good actress?

Does it make your stomach churn they still won't understand?

Your growth is stunted. 

Your still grasping an empty hand.

You will always fail. 

No matter how many tears you have cried,

 God no longer hears your prayers. 

Maybe he just forgot that you are there.
Maybe you do not exist.
Maybe this is all a figment of your imagination in which you only exist in the mind of someone so broken they are unable to separate fear from reality.

It makes you wonder.

It makes you question your sanity again.

I can see it in the way you lose color in your skin.

You don't want to be insane.

You still hear 'normal' calling your name.

But what is normal?

Will it always feel like you are falling? 

Will you always have these fears?

Will you always have these doubts?

Rise up.
Get over it.

                                                 It is time to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Own who you are.

Not what others want you to be.

All these doubts clouding your mind,

They do not belong to you.

They do not belong.

Can you feel it?
I know you are numb to emotion,
But can you feel it?

Put the blade down.

That does not heal it.

It is there somewhere.

Push yourself out of the darkness,

Find the light.

You'll see a ladder on the edge of the abyss.

You'll see it wasn't so deep.

You'll see you were never in a cage locked by someone else.

You have locked your own self in.

You even left the key in the lock.

You went to find your way.

Somehow you got lost.

Escape the labyrinth your mind has become.

Own your dreams.

Stop screaming at the moon.

It holds no answers.

Self harm,

Is a form of brain cancer.

You are as real as the sun.

You shine brighter than you know.

Stop thinking as a star who has lost it's soul. 

You are not a black hole.